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If you have been struggling or hurting with a relationship and you feel you are not to blame despite

Do you play emotional games in your head? E.g. “I will pretend I’m not interested and wait for them to contact me”, “I will flirt with someone else or find a way to make them jealous”, “what you said really hurt me so I am going to say something to hurt you”

Or do you go for the silent treatment “I’m fine!!!!!!” and walk off huffing and puffing

Then when things have calmed down you bring up the original argument time and time again with each new analogous situation.

Really? At the time it might seem the logical thing to do but when you look at the situation objectively, when you are not feeling emotional, you should be able to notice that your REAL needs you are aiming for are not being met, so maybe it is time for a different approach.

Why do you push love away when you are trying to get closer?

Why do your relationships keep failing? And the same old problems keep repeating themselves?

Have you ever considered that you might be the problem?

Whoa that’s a big one, before you decide that this is a load of rubbish and of course you’re not the problem. I didn’t say it was your fault, in fact consciously you are feeling pain and hurt and just protecting yourself, right?

This is where the subconscious mind comes in, and your automated responses. Your subconscious mind is designed to move you away from pain and towards pleasure. Which is a great survival mechanism when you are being chased by a lion or walking towards a fire. It sends signals to your body to respond in the appropriate way, which protects us from harm and moves us away towards the things we perceive as better.

The problem is this. ‘Your subconscious mind works on past experiences’.

Your subconscious mind is like a super computer, it remembers and stores every incident, emotion and sense from when you were in the womb to the present day. Throughout your waking day your subconscious mind is constantly scanning your world around you and trying to make sense of it. Therefore, if you were hurt in the past, any situation that is in the slightest bit similar will trigger the adrenalin fight or fight response in your body, whether this is in the form of an anxiety attack or just that sinking hurt feeling in the pit of your stomach and your conscious mind will find a way to convince you to react to the danger.

Equally your subconscious mind likes you to live in the familiar which is where conflicting views come into it. It drives you to choose the same type of partner (good or bad), the same type of job (even if you hated the last one), or to stick with the present job or relationship even though it doesn’t make you feel happy. This is where the thought of leaving is just too hard “better the devil you know” you say.

So how do you switch off that autopilot? That’s easy, take time out form the situation before you react. Think about the pain pleasure response. “Is it really that bad?” “What if I tried something new?” Think logically not emotionally, factually not hearsay. Research or talk to somebody else who has made the change. Improve your subconscious beliefs, change your beliefs to fit what you want and concentrate less on what you don’t want.

‘Change your mind, Change your Reality’

For more information contact

Kymberley Carter-Paige

Rapid Transformation Therapist

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